Thousands of people always on their knees, always – Hannah Gramson

I didn’t post for a while because I got sick, and I got sick, and I got sick, and it’s getting better, but life is kind of a lot and I’ve had to pick and choose where to put the words I’ll be happy with, but. Here we are.

I’ve always had the knack for being able to buoy myself up if stuff needs doing, no matter what the circumstances; when it comes to the matter of making sure something survives from the ashes I’m very talented, even if I can’t put out the fire. I think I liked the idea of being the “stable” friend even though it frayed my nerves prematurely and over-tuned my sense of worry.

[…] me: brain limping like a rabbit with a broken
foot. / you: heart like a door to door salesman, always

selling something easily broken / my nerves forever
rearing like a startled horse, pulse punching all the way

through my skin […]

And of course you’re never going to end up being the one holding it all together all the time. Sometimes good people will be bad for each other in certain circumstances. I consider myself religious but sometimes so much of finding meaning in the world feels like overturn[ing] rocks to find poetry in the dirt and maybe it’s better to accept the chaos sometimes and not place too much on the outcome. I’m not sure.

At least I’m in a good place enough to be able to philosophize rather than just panic about things! Is it more terrifying to know others depend on you or to have to depend on others? I’m still deciding.

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